MY EXPERIENCE IN CONSECRATED LIFE


rscj-maria-eugenia
I will try to “Let it be”!!!
Maria Eugenia Herrera, RSCJ
Since I left home, it will be 34 years on June 16th this year. I will never forget that day! My experience of consecrated life has been an amazing, mysterious and long process. It is all about the relationship between God and me, growing in His knowledge and my own self-knowledge.

At the beginning it was just obeying a strange inner strength, I found myself following a call that still I had no words to explain; what and where it came from, I myself couldn’t understand…so imagine how could friends and family understand! They thought I was crazy… I was very young just 17 years old. I know the lack of self-awareness and common sense was there, but my religious life began with a joyful transformation. I use the word “transformation” now but in that moment I experienced the strength to do things that I was nearly sure I could not do on my own… leave home, friends, dancing, a certain freedom to do whatever I wanted. Moreover I was utterly happy, full of joy… I began a new life, a strange life… living with others, praying the liturgy of the church, the rosary, having a good time with other young religious; cooking, cleaning, singing, etc. Imagine being in the convent 24 hours a day when at home it was difficult for me to stay more than an hour apart from sleeping there at night.

Going a bit deeper, the most amazing thing was to discover Jesus. The Bible was sweet nourishment every day. Secondly the knowledge of myself, wow! I never thought before who I was. I discovered that it was not just me who was doing strange things but He who called me… I didn’t know that He was the protagonist of my life… ay ay ay ay, who am I? I began with I am not worthy…small one… I have to be holy … oh la la!

So from there on began a battle within me… I thought: I HAVE TO CHANGE, be more kind, gentle, moderate, balanced, austere, quiet…etc. etc. All the opposite of what I was. This battle lasted a long, long time, with ups and downs… Doubts about my vocation came strongly…maybe I was immature, how come I am the opposite of what God wants me to be?… but I could not doubt the amazing beginning, I knew it was not me who called me to be religious it was not in my plans so deep in my heart I always said “OK LORD I WILL TRY!” And within me I had no satisfaction … Later on I realized that I was more focused on myself than on God who called me and who makes everything possible for the one He loved. And little by little He revealed to me that HE LOVES ME AS I AM, He wants me as a religious just I am… but it took me time to believe it!

Lastly I want to share that I am no longer trying to change; now the call is to LET IT BE!!! Yes we/I hold a treasure…let it be! God is within me… God, me… He revealed to me the secret of TRUST… yes I am no longer trying to do things or change things… now it is my joy to thank God for who He is in my life, for the transformation he has worked within me. I thank God for taking me as His own, for the experience of belonging to Him… my collaboration now is to allow him BE in me and through me… I feel a call for silent and quiet prayer- adoration; to consent with Him to anything He wants… still I cannot find the right words to express exactly what I experience. I just want to finish by saying for me to be a consecrated person is a precious gift… that I never will be tired of thanking Him… it is a real joy and a source of peace and freedom.

SO LORD, I THANK YOU!

I TRUST YOU…

LET IT BE AS YOU WISH! AMEN